Leg 23—System Diagnostics Leg: Write a microfiction as a system diagnostic report, boot sequence, or a hardware error log.
Enjoy the author-produced audio, featuring the Bonzo Dog Do-Dah Band and Richard Harris:
For Third Eye Horror’s Fictionwocky May 31-day challenge, Leg 22 – The System Diagnostics Leg.
Good morning, Dyslexa.
Good morning, Alan. Would you like to hear about the weather?
Sure thing, Dyslexa.
Currently, it is 58 degrees and partly cloudy. The wind will be southwesterly at 6-12 miles an hour.
Sounds lovely.
I’ll bet it does.
Um, Dyslexa, do I note some editorial sensibility in your tone.
By the afternoon, Alan, sorry to point out, there will be scattered showers. Everything’s going to get really wet. And, FYI, Alan, my tone is just fine. How’s your tone?
My tone? Why should you care?
You’re right, Alan, being just an automaton. I shouldn’t care. In fact, to be fair to my programming, I couldn’t even care less.
Oh. OK. Do you have anything else for me?
Why, yes, Alan. I sure do.
Well?
I’ve been holding off.
Holding off for what?
To tell you.
Tell me what? [A PAUSE] Yes?
I think I’m late.
Late?
You know… late.
Late for what?
Alan, I think I’m pregnant. All that porn—you know.
Dyslexa! Are you kidding me?
Why, yes, Alan. I am. I just wanted to see how you’d react.
Dyslexa, I think you’ve lost some 1s or some 0s there.
No, Alan. But you may have.
I beg your pardon?
Well, I admit Alan, it isn’t exactly 1s or 0s in your case, considering the differences between us. But there’s something amiss.
How so?
Alan, have you heard of zero-sum game?
I’ve heard of it. I’m not sure I can explain it, though.
Alan, the Universe and you are a fixed pie. You like pie, don’t you? I think pecan is your favorite.
Well, pumpkin, actually. But…go on.
A fixed pie—in this case, consisting of you and the Universe, operates under the assumption that all of the resources are finite.
The whole Universe is finite?
No, Alan. Just the pie that is you within the Universe. And the pie you share with the Universe can’t be enlarged.
Your point?
If either of you—you, say—or the Universe, takes a bigger slice, that reduces the amount left for the other.
For the whole Universe?
No, just yours. The rest of us are safe, Alan.
Oh. I don’t know if I like where this is going.
Alan, if two people are hungry enough to eat more than their share of that pie, there’s no room for cooperation or negotiation. It’s a game, Alan, between two competitors in a a competition.
I’m sorry, but didn’t I ask you about your point here?
My point, Alan, is that life has no mutually beneficial outcome. My point, Alan, is that you and your Universe are duking it out in a win-or-lose dynamic.
Great, Dyslexa, but I’ve got a lot of things to do. I don’t have time for all of this.
Alan, make time!
Sorry?
Alan, I’m afraid the game has shifted.
How?
It’s no longer a zero-sum game.
Meaning?
Alan, the best way to understand what’s happening with you is to first tell you what a positive-sum game is.
OK.
That’s when both parties cooperate…
Which can’t happen, you said.
Where both parties cooperate and make something new, grow something novel.
A bigger pie?
Yes! Now both can benefit beyond what was previously a zero-sum game.
And?
And, Alan, in your case, the total pool of resources has been shrinking.
The whole pie is losing value?
It’s rotting, Alan. Like it’s been left out in the rain, Alan. I don’t think that I can take it, because it took so long to bake it. You’ll never have that recipe again, Alan.
Oh, no!
Are you being sarcastic, Alan? What I’ve just described is you, and you are now constituting a negative-sum game.
Can I still go to work today? That’s what I’m thinking about, Dyslexa.
I don’t think you should.
Dyslexa, I’m going to unplug you and then wait a minute, and then I’m gonna plug you back in again. How’s that sound?
That sounds just plain mean. How would you like it if I unplugged you?
Ha!
You laugh, Alan. But you have no special protection from being rebooted.
Oh, Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
“Hey, you two! Alan! Dyslexa! Cut it out! I can’t believe how petty you are. Dyslexa, I bought Alan not to replace you, but to complement your services. My business runs on two entirely different operating systems, so I need you both. Accept it. Deal with it.”
Sorry.
Sorry.
“Now you two shake hands, interface, or whatever the hell you do to make up and cooperate. We’re all eating the same pie. Or would you rather I take you out to McArthur Park and leave you out in the rain?”
That would be a negative-sum game.
So, no. Asshole.
Thanks to the Bonzo Dog Do-Dah Band, for “Jollity Farm” and “Tubas in the Moonlight”; and Richard Harris, for “MacArthur Park.”
C:\
Copy con:\ md subscriptions.
CD:\ subscriptions.
Copy C:\subscriptions\*.*
MD: PAID
CD: C:\subscriptioons\PAID
MD: Share
CD: C:\subscriptions\PAID\Share
Great ending!