Drug Lords™, your full-service pharmacy for when you're ready to take drugs seriously. We have all the products others decline to carry. We don't mind the extra scrutiny from regulatory agencies. DEA? We play golf with 'em. FDA? They owe us money! Local police? You kidding?
But we're not in it just for the profiteering. Here at Drug Lords™ we want to help. We'll help you with your drug problem no matter how long it takes.
Consider our line for you, the consuming:
Vāpagra®—instant sildenafil, on demand, via inhalation. Let her take your breath away—her satisfaction is just one breath away.
SubLime®—feeling down? Depressed? Everyone put you down just because you're a loser? If so, when life gives you lemons—take a SubLime®.
HERO®—can't beat that heroin habit? Like, who can—am I right? Try to beat it the way you tried with nicotine—gradually! Our HERO® transdermal patch will deliver just enough heroine to keep you comfortable, so, please! Take your time!
HEROINE®—you lady can fight the addiction with you, too, with her own discrete HEROINE® patch, packaged demurely for that feminine sensibility. Now, the "H" can stand for "herself."
HypoDerm®—if you're one of the "beautiful people," you'll inject anything under your skin to make it glow. Especially if it sets off a Geiger counter. But who cares? You'd rather be a slave to a half-life lived fully, than live a full life halfly.
Moving slow lately? Well, don't take off your HERO® or HEROINE® patch. Instead, add the "PatchBatch" BoosterPatch®, an additional transdermic influx of panphetamine, decanted from the astringent juices of the Wackamōlawhatzit-2-ya plant, grown under lock and key in the hydroponic tunnels of subcultural Ecuador.
NOW INTRODUCING: THE PANACEA CLUB
Hey—like surprises? Join our Panacea Club. For $39.50 a month, you can try our samples, delivered in plain, brown Adam & Eve stationery wrappers. In fact, get a 20% discount when you renew your subscription because you have to. A new drug will be delivered to you every week. Cancel whenever we want!
DON’T BE A LOSER AT DRUG LORDS™! CUT IN LINE LIKE YOU DESERVE.
Are you some kind of authority figure? Take advantage of our express drive-through lanes at Drug Lords™. Police, judges, and regulatory agency officials can skip the long lines. And if you have initials after your name, we'll offer you our "mystery package." What'll it do? Don't ask? It's a mystery. But think of the fun! Unless you really are a loser! Take inventory, but do it soon, 'cause regulations change all the time if you’re into reading them.
Man, did we do it wrong! 🤦